July 19, 2018

Hello to anyone who might still be connected automatically to my blog. Grandson Joey Hover is printing the blog in its entirety, putting the pages in plastic sleeves, then binders. I have wanted to have it in this form for some time. I will be able to add antidotes, pictures, some of Ron's daily cards, hospital print-outs, etc., if I find them meaningful to the story. It has made me weepy at times to relive those entries. Another adjustment has been to have a schedule that is not framed around taking Allison and Jack to school. The sports calendar also ended at the conclusion of the school year. As I told the kids, it was the first time that I ever felt really sad on the last day of school!
I had planned to spend extended time this summer at Wall Lake at my sister's, but the construction of my front porch has been agonizingly slow, and I want to be here in BG when they work. I initiated the project in March; then a Mallard duck made her nest right in the middle of where the porch would be. Although this story did not have a happy ending because something ate the eggs, it put me off the production calendar for a few weeks. The weather has not been cooperative, and now I am waiting for the concrete to be poured.
I have a few groups that I have lunch with on a regular basis. Enjoyable! I'm also volunteering as a worker in Bowling Green's Simpson Garden Park. I think organizing my belongings will be a lifelong process. A bus tour to Frankenmuth, Michigan was a part of this week's activities. Ron and I had visited there twice during our early retirement...once in the winter and once in the summer. Ron would plan secret overnight trips for us; he knew that I would love the German atmosphere and Christmas at Bronners. So my memories are a mix of comfort and sadness.
I have been walking regularly in my neighborhood and have enjoyed getting to know my neighbors better. Today I also played bridge with friends; it is a stretch to try to remember bridge strategies after 40+ years of not playing. Ha! I am traveling to Wall Lake this weekend (my sister's); there is an extended family breakfast on Sunday morning. I will also see my brother, Gary, and Vicki.
I'm okay.
Love, Jan

Anniversary, Valentine's Day= A Tough February

Some things still catch me off guard. I have thought a lot about the anniversary of Ron's death on February 24th. I have projects in progress and am busy but have found that I need extended times of total quiet and a darkened room to help me think and process my feelings, memories, and sadness. Valentine's Day is especially hard. I didn't expect it to be so much different than other holidays. But other holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries have been about family and friends, too, so of course traditions could be carried on. But Valentines Day was about us as a couple, and Ron had been my Valentine since we were teenagers. So I am missing that tradition, that exchange of sentiment, and that sharing of our feelings for each other. It's not gone, but Ron is. I miss him every day. There are things that make me painfully aware of all we had as a couple, as a family, so it seems fair that the sadness comes in equal measure. How grateful I am for our long good-by and for not having regrets to work through. How grateful I am for family and friends who lift me up with their support. How grateful I am for my internalized memories and for memories documented with pictures, written words, and videos.

Family Pictures

The above are holiday pictures of our children, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, and the last sunset of 2017. (taken from my backyard at the villa.

Happy New Year 2018 🎉

I do feel in part a sense of relief because the 2017 holidays are behind me, and I have quietly passed into the beginning of my first full year without Ron. I was asleep when the ball dropped, so it was peaceful. I needed time to look back, acknowledge and process feelings, and reminisce, so I went to the index column on the right and opened August 2011 to the days leading up to and following Ron's transplant. At that time both of us had all ready begun to morph into other people in some ways, but as many layers of our being peeled away, our core did not change, and our total focus was to do whatever was medically required to live and have more time together. ...And then to move forward and salvage whatever possible of the life journey we shared.

Halloween-New Year's Day 2017. That being said I must express my gratitude to our children, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, extended family and friends for helping me through the holidays and making those days so happy and joyful. Comfort was found in gatherings, Christmas greetings, and also continuing traditions that Ron and I had shared for so many years. It was such an odd mix of comfort and grief. Peace.
Love, Jan