July 19, 2018

Hello to anyone who might still be connected automatically to my blog. Grandson Joey Hover is printing the blog in its entirety, putting the pages in plastic sleeves, then binders. I have wanted to have it in this form for some time. I will be able to add antidotes, pictures, some of Ron's daily cards, hospital print-outs, etc., if I find them meaningful to the story. It has made me weepy at times to relive those entries. Another adjustment has been to have a schedule that is not framed around taking Allison and Jack to school. The sports calendar also ended at the conclusion of the school year. As I told the kids, it was the first time that I ever felt really sad on the last day of school!
I had planned to spend extended time this summer at Wall Lake at my sister's, but the construction of my front porch has been agonizingly slow, and I want to be here in BG when they work. I initiated the project in March; then a Mallard duck made her nest right in the middle of where the porch would be. Although this story did not have a happy ending because something ate the eggs, it put me off the production calendar for a few weeks. The weather has not been cooperative, and now I am waiting for the concrete to be poured.
I have a few groups that I have lunch with on a regular basis. Enjoyable! I'm also volunteering as a worker in Bowling Green's Simpson Garden Park. I think organizing my belongings will be a lifelong process. A bus tour to Frankenmuth, Michigan was a part of this week's activities. Ron and I had visited there twice during our early retirement...once in the winter and once in the summer. Ron would plan secret overnight trips for us; he knew that I would love the German atmosphere and Christmas at Bronners. So my memories are a mix of comfort and sadness.
I have been walking regularly in my neighborhood and have enjoyed getting to know my neighbors better. Today I also played bridge with friends; it is a stretch to try to remember bridge strategies after 40+ years of not playing. Ha! I am traveling to Wall Lake this weekend (my sister's); there is an extended family breakfast on Sunday morning. I will also see my brother, Gary, and Vicki.
I'm okay.
Love, Jan

Anniversary, Valentine's Day= A Tough February

Some things still catch me off guard. I have thought a lot about the anniversary of Ron's death on February 24th. I have projects in progress and am busy but have found that I need extended times of total quiet and a darkened room to help me think and process my feelings, memories, and sadness. Valentine's Day is especially hard. I didn't expect it to be so much different than other holidays. But other holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries have been about family and friends, too, so of course traditions could be carried on. But Valentines Day was about us as a couple, and Ron had been my Valentine since we were teenagers. So I am missing that tradition, that exchange of sentiment, and that sharing of our feelings for each other. It's not gone, but Ron is. I miss him every day. There are things that make me painfully aware of all we had as a couple, as a family, so it seems fair that the sadness comes in equal measure. How grateful I am for our long good-by and for not having regrets to work through. How grateful I am for family and friends who lift me up with their support. How grateful I am for my internalized memories and for memories documented with pictures, written words, and videos.

Family Pictures

The above are holiday pictures of our children, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, and the last sunset of 2017. (taken from my backyard at the villa.

Happy New Year 2018 🎉

I do feel in part a sense of relief because the 2017 holidays are behind me, and I have quietly passed into the beginning of my first full year without Ron. I was asleep when the ball dropped, so it was peaceful. I needed time to look back, acknowledge and process feelings, and reminisce, so I went to the index column on the right and opened August 2011 to the days leading up to and following Ron's transplant. At that time both of us had all ready begun to morph into other people in some ways, but as many layers of our being peeled away, our core did not change, and our total focus was to do whatever was medically required to live and have more time together. ...And then to move forward and salvage whatever possible of the life journey we shared.

Halloween-New Year's Day 2017. That being said I must express my gratitude to our children, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, extended family and friends for helping me through the holidays and making those days so happy and joyful. Comfort was found in gatherings, Christmas greetings, and also continuing traditions that Ron and I had shared for so many years. It was such an odd mix of comfort and grief. Peace.
Love, Jan

This is pretty much a shrine.

This is "Ron's Tree" that I talked about in the previous post. As I reminisce during this holiday season, the tree is comforting and a reminder of all the years that we had together. I like to read the mail and the newspaper next to the tree; it is in a quiet place and is a good place to help me process my thoughts.
The picture of Ron and me was taken as we sat in the back of his pick-up. It was taken in October 2010 when he was in remission; a year later we were living in Ann Arbor due to the many complications from his bone marrow transplant.

Thanksgiving in Virginia

I took a road trip to Springfield and Fredericksburg, Virginia Monday to Monday with Thanksgiving in the middle. I had traveled there for Mother's Day 2017, but the last Thanksgiving with Niccole and Matt's families was 2015. Much has changed during that time; I have had many hard things to do. So many changes.
The trip to VA was good for me; it was a wonderful time with kids and grandkids that passed by quickly. Helping decorate Christmas trees at Matt's and Niccole's kindled my Christmas spirit. Carrying on traditions without Ron to share them with is a paradox of comfort and sadness. We had been together on Christmas for 52 years. I have been working on my Christmas cards, put up outside lights, set up the top 2/3 of our tree with white lights. Then being inspired by friends who have a special memory tree for their daughter Laurie, I have a new tree--Ron's Tree--that will be decorated with ornaments representing special memories. I bought a multi color prelit tree because although I preferred white lights, Ron preferred multi color lights. And as we used to always say to each other every year, "I think this is the best tree ever."

Hover Family Update

I have debated with myself whether or not to keep blogging on "Ron Hover's Updates". Although the period of time between entries varied greatly, blogging has been part of my routine for several years. I have read all of your responses many times, and they have brought me a connection with you, comfort, and yes, even laughter. I also can see how many times my entries have been read although I do not see who the readers are. During Ron's final hospitalization at U of M and BG Manor, entries were read up to 600+ times. That was a huge support and comforting for me to know so many cared. I don't know if before Ron's death I really knew how special he was to others too.
So today I am writing to share some Hover news and to thank you again. I had been telling myself that I was grateful that many months have passed, so the holidays wouldn't be so difficult, but now I know that I couldn't convince myself. It is hard. Anticipating anniversaries of special days with special memories is just plain hard.
With that being said, I am making new happy memories, too. I traveled to Hawaii to see Andrew's family and attend his promotion ceremony. He is the third Lieutenant Colonel Hover in our family. It was so special to be there and spend time with him, Lisa, Abby, and Lily. The time change was a breeze going there, but I am struggling to get back to what was my normal body clock prior to the trip. Then facing the upcoming holiday season also became reality. I have been unpacking and organizing, but there is much left to do. I am feeling relief that I don't have two homes to manage any more. I'll let the following pictures sum it up for me. I still have much to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving,
Jan

Sister Love Up North in Michigan

Anne Troxell Griffith and Jan Troxell Hover

Ron's Up North Itinerary

Last week my sister, Anne, and I traveled up to the Traverse City, Michigan, area; we followed the itinerary that Ron had made for our trips to visit the Leelanau Peninsula in the fall. Ron and I made our last trip there in 2015; last year he was on oxygen, and things were just too complicated for overnight trips, so we took day trips close to our Gilead Lake home.

We picnicked in Newaygo on our trip north and visited our favorite lighthouse at Point Betsie. We climbed to the top of the tower and saw the light that is functional and continues to keep mariners safe.

This is a buck that was in Sleeping Bear Dunes, and on our trip we also saw salmon swimming upstream, smelt at Fishtown, a soaring eagle near Traverse Bay, and a huge elk crossing the road. (at first we thought it was a moose!!)

I introduced Anne to rocking at Christmas Cove. She really enjoyed it, and I had looked for a long time before I finally found 4 Petoskey rocks, the Michigan state rock. It was a great trip; I very much enjoyed reminiscing about past fall color tours with Ron and making new memories with my sister.

Before closing, the buyers had asked if they could move things into the garage. That was not a problem for me, and I felt like we had genuinely connected. They have relatives on the lake and had been coming to Gilead for 20 years. On the day that they were moving things into the garage, I was out in the garage, too, and he said, "You are not going to believe what I have. I have Ron's Army footlocker that I bought at one of your garage sales. Would you like it back? This is the first time that I have used it since I bought it." Of course, I said yes. I know that I looked dumbfounded and felt emotional as I saw Ron's name. I am sure that my last garage sale was the 2nd summer that we lived there, 2009, because the next two summers Ron was hospitalized monthly for Chemotherapy, followed by platelet and blood transfusions in the other weeks. Then the following summers he was chronically ill.

September 26, 2017 was the 47th anniversary of our wedding day. In sickness and in health and forever. My spouses support group met that day, and about 14 of us went out for dinner. It was a good plan for a day that was difficult. My life has been blessed, and I am rich with memories of so many years together.

September 26, 1970 Mt.Zion Lutheran Church, LaGrange, Indiana

Changing Gears

September was an eventful month; now I am trying to relax more and allow myself to not feel like I have to immediately unpack everything. Easier said than done! I have been in high gear for quite a time. When I haven't read a book for a few weeks, I know I'm not relaxing much. I have planned 3 trips in the next two months. I will get to see Andrew's promotion to LTC in Hawaii, a trip to Virginia, and a fall colors trip to the Traverse City, Michigan area with my sister, Anne. We will follow Ron's itinerary.
The closing on our Gilead Lake home was nerve-wracking for a few days, but everything came together on Monday. And that stress was after all of the moving trips and auction were done! Relief is definitely my prevailing mood now, so I am hoping that will lead to being able to relax. My project now involves all of the changes that moving my residency from Michigan to Ohio create. My life will be much more simple with only one home.

Being so busy helps to delay letting things just sink in. I need to take time to do that.

Finishing Up at Gilead Lake

Today I will be taking the remainder of my possessions out of our Gilead Lake home. I have about a carload to move and things to take to Goodwill. Guessing that I will need to put a few boxes in my niece's garage until my next trip back to my sister's next week. My sister, brother, and spouses have been "hovering" as I've gone through this move and auction process. Anne lives only about 10 minutes away and Gary 30 minutes. The actual sorting had to be done by me..hundreds of decisions to make! But the loading of my car and the unloading of my car multiple times I've not done alone. Thank you Griffiths and Troxells. Cale's have helped multiple times on the Bowling Green destination of the move.
So the auction was a success! Spieth & Satow Auctioneer from Coldwater, Michigan was my representative, and they did an amazing job. Just having someone move everything out of the house was priceless! How they organized the auction and the auction itself (which I could not watch)was expertly achieved. I can't say enough about the work crew and auctioneers.
I love the new owners! That huge barn/garage was empty for about 6 hours. They came to the auction and bought Matt's IKEA bed set, the picnic tables, swings, etc. It made me cry happy tears to know that Matt's bed and desk were going back in the house! Also, the pontoon and trailer sold well...new in March 2016 and still on its first tank of gas. So I'm feeling many things, including relief and satisfaction with organizing the move and sale. I even had a sense of Ron telling me that he was proud of me.
The Army way required having quarters left very clean for the next occupants, so that is ingrained in me. Only I didn't want to do it myself (Ha!), so I hired someone to clean yesterday, and Stanley Steamer comes Saturday morning when the house is entirely empty.
I have many things to look forward to in this next phase of my life.
Love, Jan

There were many tables of belongings to auction also.

It's for real.

Tomorrow is the auction of belongings at Gilead Lake. Our home has sold, and the closing will be at the end of the month. I'm trying to hang out in the logical, practical part of my mind. No doubts there. I think that I will feel partially a sense of relief similar to the day that Ron passed away, but knowing that I will also grieve giving up our dream home on Gilead Lake. It will makes things so much simpler to have just the villa in Bowling Green to manage, and I love living there, too.
So today is my last day to live in this home. Preparing it to sell has been my project since mid-April. From listing day to closing day is 4 months, and I was able to enjoy the summer here, so I feel good about how this has played out. I won't have to be concerned with another winter here. This home always was about both of us, not me living here alone. I have wonderful memories to comfort me and know that I have been a lucky girl.

The Sunflower Message from Ron (See below.)

Forever 68

Yesterday was Ron's birthday or the "anniversary of his birth" as a dear friend said. I am in the process of choosing furniture from the villa to take to my auction at Gilead Lake on September 20, so I was emptying Ron's desk here in BG. I found the above writings in his desk. The sunflower card was ready to mail but never sent; I think that I found it on the perfect day. It was signed, "Love, Blue & Ron". So Ron continues to make me laugh, even on the day before his birthday which was a very weepy day for me. My door to door move from Gilead occurred on Saturday, so I had been very busy with getting ready for it, and then Saturday was a long, busy day with the actual move. Sunday arrived, and I had time to think about the many changes in my life, how much I miss Ron, and I was anticipating Monday, Labor Day, which was Ron's birthday. Weepy. As has happened before, the anticipation of a special day for us was much more emotional than the day itself. The blue card was the writing on a card that I had given Ron in 2010 when he was first diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. The card had a small heart-shaped metal medallion that was engraved "forever". He kept that heart on his roll top desk which was moved to BG Saturday; now I have the heart on my kitchen windowsill. I didn't know that he had kept the card and brought it to BG and put it in his desk here in 2014. Ron was a sentimental man and did many things to make me feel special. He sent cards from one home to the other, like the sunflower card, so I would have a note from him when we went back and forth. During the almost 2 years after we retired to Michigan and before he was sick, he planned surprise overnight trips for us to explore Michigan. I only knew the days and what I should pack.
The picture of Ron was taken in 2004 when he was 56 years old. I am remembering his healthy years and trying to put them ahead of the memories of the cruelty of leukemia and graft vs host disease after his transplant. Yet I am so thankful for those extra years we had in spite of the challenges. I miss you Ron.

Pictures From Way Back When

I especially liked the black and white picture taken during the fall of 1965 when Ron and I were first dating. One of the kids took the one where we are facing each other. We were on vacation in Yugoslavia from Heidelberg, Germany, where we were stationed 1985-1989. By then we had two teenagers and 10 year old twins! Niccole, Matthew, Andrew, and Cale. The later picture of us dancing was at Andrew's wedding in 2000. I couldn't help notice the similarity with the 1965 picture of us dancing.

Ron documented our lives with family picture albums, 8mm films, VHS cassettes, and written words. All of this is a treasure left behind for me. As I view all of these memories, he continues to make me laugh every day.

A Massive Project

I am making good progress on cleaning out the garage (especially) and organizing the household collection of necessities and memorable items at Gilead Lake. The pictures and VHS tapes are a huge project, but I have enjoyed reminiscing during this part of the process. I am grateful that Ron always wanted to bring "the good camera, Jan" wherever we went. It was embarrassing to me at times when he asked total strangers to take our picture, but those pictures are now treasures. It has been comforting to look back at healthy Ron and bring those memories to the front. We had a great life and over 46 years of marriage. The last 7 years are more in perspective now and not the overwhelming focus of our lives together since 1965.
I have a realtor listing of the lake property at 743 Gilead Shores Drive, Bronson, Michigan, and you can also find it on Zillow.com. I am truly going with the flow and will know that whatever, whenever, changes come that it will be the right time.

Rest in peace, Blue Hover 6-1-17

Blue was the best kitty, companion, and pal. He spent a great deal of time on Ron's lap every day {when Ron was healthy enough to be home} ---after we came home from Ann Arbor in May 2012. (We had lived there 9 1/2 months after Ron's transplant.) I know Blue missed Ron after he left our home and was hospitalized starting in mid-January this year. We were lucky to have had such a good buddy from 2000-2017. Old age caught up with Blue, and maybe his heart was a little broken.

Memorial Day 2017

at dawn, near a gravel road, in farming country close to Gilead Lake

Grateful for Family and Friends

I have been thankful to have the support and caring from family and friends. This goes way back to Ron's first diagnosis of leukemia to the present. That support continues to be meaningful as I transition to my new normal. I re-read and replay messages and encounters with many. Ron's Celebration of Life was fulfilling for me. His presence in the lives of many was honored.
He was the skilled communicator with many, in many ways during our marriage. My preference for communicating was writing, and I often procrastinated. I am just now starting my thank you notes. I couldn't find a thank you stationery note that I liked enough to use, so I have ended up making a stationery card on Shutterfly. As I move ahead and look back over the years in pictures, my memories and thoughts picture Ron before his transplant.
Matt, in his eulogy, summarized so well Ron's years battling AML leukemia and graft vs host disease after his bone marrow transplant. "My Dad showed as much intestinal fortitude as anyone during the past 7 years. He handled his illness with honor, dignity, and dogged determination. My Dad never surrendered."
(He literally told me that he wasn't ready to throw in the towel.)
"It was truly a remarkable display of personal courage and determination. "Well, Dad, you fought as hard as you could possibly fight and your mission is complete. You did it with honor. Rest in peace."

Ron's marker will eventually be at Hoopingarner South Gilead Cemetery where his parents are interred. The cemetery is located near Gilead Lake; it is a peaceful setting on a gravel road in farming country.