Experiencing and Accepting Change

With my time and energy not so focused on "in your face" medical issues, I have been thinking more about the changes that we are adjusting to. Once again we were in a situation where someone did not recognize Ron although we were together and that person knew me. (And who is this with you? I don't think I've met him.) That is extremely difficult. When I see a picture of us before transplant, even I cannot believe how Ron has aged in the past year. Aging is a typical change during bone marrow transplant but not one you can really imagine or prepare for. (It just doesn't seem important when you're in survival mode.)

Another change is the slow pace that occurs when tackling any activity, but I am grateful to be able to be resuming more normal endeavors. I think this will continue to improve as Ron's mobility and endurance improves. He has resumed using the cane much more than the walker. His ability to walk is back to where it was at Christmas time... before the chronic GVHD complicated his recovery.

Another change is how people react to us. I think most people see him as having "the cancer treatment" look, and you can see that in their eyes. It is not a look of pity but more one of I'm sorry you're going through this. I know almost everyone can relate to a loved one with chronic illness. Total strangers reach out to help us as we at times struggle to get through a door, carry too much to handle efficiently, etc. Very nice and appreciated.

Another change is when Ron tells me that he is SO SORRY. He was never one to tell me that he was sorry and there were times I wished to hear that from him, so maybe that is why it is so painful to hear now. To put that in perspective, if he had shut my fingers in a car door, he might have said, "Why were your fingers there?", "You should have known that I was going to shut the door.", "I didn't hurt you on purpose." or something to that effect.

Just thinking about change tonight.